5 Lessons I’m Learning in My Engagement Season: Tips for Preparing to Be a Godly Wife
I never thought I’d be engaged to a man in the military. To all the military wives and fiancés out there, kudos to you, because now I know how you feel. Currently, my soon-to-be husband is deployed in a different country as you read this. Our engagement happened a week before his deployment, so we didn’t have much time to celebrate.
I never knew how hard it could be preparing for a marriage while in a long-distance relationship. I have to give myself some credit. As most of my friends have been reminding me, being in a military relationship is hard enough, and it's very bold to walk through this experience myself.
As of right now, I am in the middle of wedding planning as well as preparing myself to be a wife. I’ll be honest, I’ve been struggling. I put way too much pressure on myself in the beginning of my engagement. I felt that I had to know how everything would unfold right at once, especially when it came to the venue, the date, the food, and so forth. Though I care about the wedding preparation, I care more about the marriage ahead of me. How can I juggle both? I had to remember that being a bride is a once-and-done deal whereas being a wife is a forever commitment.
In my experience, it’s been uncomfortable to become aware of what needs to be refined in me. It’s becoming selfless while also knowing who I am. Becoming a wife is a responsibility and not natural at all for me as much as I want to be the best version of myself. Over these past six months, I’ve learned how to take accountability for my own growth both as an individual and as a couple. Thankfully, I’ve had the privilege of working on myself before the “I dos.” I’ve learned many things about myself, both good and bad, and I hope the following five lessons can bring perspective to any fellow wives-to-be. Make sure you read to the end for some bonus advice and book recommendations.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED SO FAR:
1. It’s Unfair to Compare My Fiancé to Men in My Family
There's one man specifically I found myself comparing him to. This person in my family wasn’t the best version of a husband, and when he was stressed, overworked, or emotionally built up, his words would bring harm more than good. This was especially true when alcohol came into the mix.
When it came to my fiancé having an adult beverage, I would internally panic wondering if he would go past one or two. I don’t like heavy drinking, and knowing that my man likes to drink more than me, brought out a critical and judgmental response... My fiancé likes to have his guy time with his drink of choice, whether that’s at home playing video games or he’s out playing pool with his friends. I had to learn not to compare him to this family member, mainly because doesn’t get angry when he drinks. He doesn’t lash out at anyone else. He doesn’t do anything that would make me feel worried for his safety or others around him.
So why did I compare? I associated alcohol with trouble whenever anyone drank more than me, my fiancé included. As I came to this conclusion, I knew that I had to communicate with him how I felt. I also had to remember this difference: one man in my life drank as a coping mechanism, whereas the other drank for an occasional tasty reward... Though I don't think alcohol always needs to be seen as a reward, I knew that his decision to drink was not done out of escalated and negative emotion.
2. The Engagement Season is a Great Time to Figure Out Who’s the Spender vs. Who’s the Saver, and What to Do About It
The funny thing about being the money-spender is that I thought I was wise with it. Whenever I did spend money, I was picky about what I did and didn’t purchase. However, when I had a wallet exploding with receipts, I decided to do the math. I added all my expenses for that last month by putting them in different categories. What I saw was embarrassing, yet it was the realistic amount I had spent.
I showed my fiancé, and he encouraged me to put more aside in savings than into purchases. He made sure to check in bi-weekly on how my money-saving process was going, and he held me accountable while reminding me of the bigger picture in front of us.
Though I liked that he cared about my spending habits, it got to be a bother for me periodically. While he was deployed and was able to spend less, I still wanted to hang out with my friends, grab my $6 coffee, and get my go-to crepe order every Sunday. I was able to have more fun in Pennsylvania than my fiancé who was on his deployment.
Thankfully, I sought out financial wisdom from one of the leaders in my church. She and I got together and talked about everything pertaining to money and bills. With her guidance, I was able to set a realistic goal and expectation for myself. My debts were paid, and I had more room to save for the wedding ahead. This achievement doesn’t mean I won’t ever have issues with spending or finances. However, I’ve found that money management is the right step in preparing for marriage.
3. Seeking Wise Counsel and Support From a Trustworthy Few is a Must
I’ll admit; I’ve always been a stubborn person. Sometimes, I don’t want to hear the opinion of others. However, recently in the past two years of my three-year relationship, I’ve welcomed the sound wisdom of others.
Once my fiancé deployed, I relied on my loved ones a lot more than before he had left. I also asked them my questions about house-hunting, counseling, finances, sex, home-owning, how to communicate, how to share a space, and so forth. I wasn’t afraid to ask all the important questions.
I think it is wise to be open with key people about where your relationship is at. I told my advisors and friends what my intentions, concerns, actions, thoughts, and doubts were. With that being said, give yourself permission to reassess who has access to that part of your life, especially if you notice they're insulting or bashing their own significant other... They can be honest about what they would do with their partner, but they should not slander and gossip about one another. Whenever I came to a trusted friend or family member, I had to make sure I didn’t make my fiancé sound like a bad guy if we ever had our conflicts. My goal was to acquire wisdom, not gossip.
At the end of the day, trustworthy counsel was the best wisdom I found. I sought out those I trusted who were more experienced than me even if it felt uncomfortable
Overall, I needed help, and because of this help, I found the courage to come to those closest to me with the most uplifting words of wisdom.
4. Maturity Looks Like Handling Heavy Conversation With Care and Collaboration
One of the things I’ve learned how to do is to collaborate and communicate better with my fiancé. Thankfully, we live in a world where technology and Wi-Fi are a thing. However, the time zone difference and location made it more challenging for my fiancé and me to talk.
As he said to me recently, I bring up serious conversations at random times without warning. For example, He had just woken up, and I was about to go to bed when I asked some random serious questions a book had left me lost in thought about.
As my fiancé pointed out, I say what’s on my mind right when I immediately think about it instead of taking time to process it. Sometimes I forget to say hello and ask how he’s doing before bringing up the topic of importance, which might leave him thinking I don’t care about what he’s doing or thinking. He likes to call me squirrel-brained because my conversations go in different directions at different speeds.
With that in mind, I had to communicate better. Better communication also meant me not vocalizing everything out of heightened emotion, which I tend to do. This means not only pausing to digest things but also asking more questions. So many arguments were had from lack of questions on both our ends. He and I had to seek out an understanding of the other person’s perspective.
For example, one day he asked me how I felt about a possible deployment in 2025, not even a year after getting hitched. I immediately reacted, which resulted in an argument. He had asked hypothetically to see where I was on that stance whereas I took it as an “are you kidding me” moment. There was a verse that stuck out to me from Deuteronomy 24:5. It says, “A newly married man must not be drafted into the army or be given any other official responsibilities. He must be free to spend one year at home, bringing happiness to the wife he married.” I told my fiancé that it was a necessity that he is home and present at least for the first year of marriage before another deployment, and he and I both agreed.
Once our communication improved in one area, I felt encouraged to better express myself in other areas of life.
5. The Important of Prioritizing Praying Over My Man
I save this one for last because one of the hardest things to do for my man is praying for him consistently. I can pray very detailed prayers, so that was never the issue. The issue was praying for him without my own biased opinion as well as connecting deeply to God to do so. It is a discipline to make time to pray over him every day. It is also a selfless act on my own accord to be committed to it even when he angers, frustrates, or hurts me.
I’ve also lacked in the prayer department because I’ve had my own dry spells with the Lord where I didn’t come to pray more than a minute or two before bed. That, or I’d say a five-minute prayer for the day involving work, friends, and driving, and yet not pray for him. He is not only my fiancé, but my best friend whom I love romantically. He is my partner, my future housemate. Why can’t I pray for him? If I feel the resistance now, surely, I’ll feel the pullback when we’re married. I knew that I had to conquer that.
What helped me pray for him? I bought a book titled “31 Prayers for My Future Husband” by Jennifer and Aaron Smith. This couple wrote the book together, and there’s also one for husbands praying over their wives. These books have an already-written prayer that you can read, circle, and underline what stands out to you. The next two pages are blank where you can write your prayer based on that prompt. There are prayers for the husband's purity, safety, family, morals, and so forth. I can pray over him regarding any and every topic I can think of that affects myself and my husband-to-be. I'd recommend those books to any couple, engaged or married.
To conclude, I can truly say that this season as a fiancé has not been at all natural for me. I’ve had much to admit to myself about what I didn't like to say aloud. As uncomfortable as it was at times, I value this season of learning. I can say with confidence that I'll be walking into this marriage as a better woman and wife. My goal is to cherish my husband and remember the importance of my new life-long role.
Overall, I'm grateful for this preparation season showing me the beauty of marriage to come. Which of these lessons can you relate to most?
As Proverbs 12:4 says, "A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones."
And here’s that bonus I promised…
BOOKS I’D RECOMMEND FOR ENGAGEMENT & MARRIAGE:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Making Your Marriage a Fortress by Gary Thomas
Before You Say “I Do”: A Marriage Preparation Guide for Couples by H. Norman Wright & Wes Roberts
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
31 Prayers For My Future Husband by Jennifer & Aaron Smith
A FEW MORE WORDS OF ADVICE FOR WIVES TO BE:
Seek help from a financial adviser.
Talk to a real estate agent before buying or renting a home together.
Seek premarital counseling.
Seek an individual counselor for yourself.
Create a savings account for your future wedding and honeymoon.
Read what the Bible says about marriage, and apply these principles to your relationship.
Gather insight from married couples you love and trust.
Pray regularly
MORE LIKE THIS ON THE BINO BLOG:
The Importance of Going to the Altar With God First, Before Your Potential Spouse
https://www.beinnotof.com/blog/2019/4/18/being-married-to-god-first
What I’ve Learned in 5 Years of Marriage
https://www.beinnotof.com/blog/2021/6/9/what-ive-learned-in-5-years-of-marriage
Practical Advice For Staying Sexually Pure in Romantic Relationships
The Myth of the ‘Perfect Spouse’ List
https://www.beinnotof.com/blog/2021/5/13/the-myth-of-the-perfect-spouse-list